By: Dennis Bates
This particular blog is intended primarily for entertainment purposes. It deals with several mature topics, but that doesn’t mean the comments reflect that maturity. I am not trying to offend anyone, so if this blog or its subject matter offend you, feel free not to read it, and please accept my apology. I just think sometimes we are far too serious about a lot of things. Fair warning.
There’s a familiar saying that I heard a lot in my younger days before marriage: “They all get prettier at closing time.” It’s pretty much self explanatory, and any guy can tell you what it means if you really don’t know.
As men get older, like I have, we realize there is a different version of that saying for the Golden Years. It’s simply this: “They all get prettier.”
The trouble is, we don’t. We just get older. This phenomenon effects men and women differently from what I can tell.
For a lot of women, as they get older, they lose interest in certain facets of marriage, especially those women who have been married for a long time and watched Prince Charming lose his Charm little by little. Men don’t get that. They never lose interest…ever, but then, they haven’t seen what their wives have.
The v-shaped upper body the sweet young wife married, now looks more like the capital letter O, and it snores when it’s not getting up to go to the bathroom two or three times a night. It also makes other disgusting snorts and noises that keep her awake.
In addition, that hunk of burning love that used to snuggle, can’t lay still anymore: it flops around all night long like a seal looking for a fish. Sounds sort of like one on occasion too, even though it can’t toot a line of horns and probably can’t clap his flippers together without warming up completely first and taking an ibuprofen or two.
On the other hand, as men get older, if anything, a lot of them get more romantic, and after years and years of being too tired, they suddenly rediscover their ids and set out to find the libido in their wives needed to do something with it. Unfortunately, while the id may be willing, the flesh is weak and it ends up being a frustrated prisoner in a dungeon that doesn’t even have exercise privileges.
The phrase “It’s all in your mind,” takes on new meaning, and unless pharmaceutical help is available and prescribed, everything pretty much stays there in your mind where it doesn’t do anybody much good. But even chemical assistance has its problems. Sometimes your spouse just wants to spend a quiet evening in her bunny slippers and baggy terrycloth bathrobe watching the Home Improvement channel.
Even for those men who are interested in extracurricular activities and ready to prove it , there’s something about the Home Improvement channel that is a real turn off. Come to think of it, that may be one of the reasons so many women watch the endless hours of turning perfectly good real wood into faux chic, earth toned, gender neutral nothingness. It’s easier than getting out the fire hose, and it has a similar effect without all the messy mopping up afterward.
I want to make one thing totally clear before I end this silly little diatribe, just in case anyone gets the wrong idea. I’m speaking hypothetically here. None of these comments applies to me or my lovely wife. I’ve just heard things; that’s all. So honey, please don’t take any of this personally. You’ve always been perfect and always will be. Now, would you mind putting the fire hose down? Thanks.